Where's The Tan!
by VanillaKokain
Summary: Marik wakes one morning and discovers his tan has been stolen! Bakura rides off into the sunset...And Canada, with the help of Tobi and Vynn to steal it back! Yaoi, OOCness and real people. .0.
1. The Tan Is Gone!

**Where's the Tan?**

**Ch. 1 The Tan Is Gone!**

Sunlight filtered through the thick maroon curtains in the Egyptian's room, hitting Marik square in the face. He stretched and opened his eyes; oh, did he have a good night's sleep or what? He felt completely rested and restored, not to mention he had dreamed up a few sinister ways to destroy the Pharaoh. It was a beautiful morning without a cloud in sight, and Mr. Tweetums and his siblings sang him sweet morning greetings outside his window.

He sat at the edge of his bed and stretched again. Bakura must've already been awake, from the smells of cooking bacon wafting in from the kitchen. No matter; he was feeling particularly evil this morning. He was going to take an evil shower, then have some evil breakfast, and give his partner in crime a good morning kiss…an evil one.

Marik stood and crossed to the adjoining bathroom, shedding his night clothes as he went. He turned on the water in the shower and let it warm before he slipped out of his boxers and jumped in. He stood directly under the spigot, letting his hair get wet before turning around and letting the warm beads pelt his back. He was content just standing there forever, but he had many things to do today.

He reached over and grabbed the shampoo bottle, squirting some of the soapy liquid onto his palm. And that's when he saw it. He hadn't noticed it before, but now that he was looking at his own hand with no other distractions, he saw _it_. His hand looked like his hand…that's why it was his hand. The same lines on his palm, the same well-manicured nails, the same elegant long fingers. But the pigmentation didn't look quite right.

It was…pale. Almost as pale as Bakura.

Marik's breath caught in his throat and he closed his eyes, dropping his hand to catch himself as he started to fall backwards. He was not pale. He was not pale.

"I am not pale," he repeated in a whisper, looking down at his chest. Liquid moonlight and two perky nipples stared back at him.

He swallowed a scream and turned around, twisting at the hips to look at his butt.

He almost fainted at the sight.

He couldn't be pale. He didn't look good pale. This was unacceptable.

Jumping out of the shower, he raced over to the mirror, pressing his face close, as if the close proximity would make the tan come back.

He was looking at his face, alright. Same gracefully slanted Egyptian eyes, same pouty lips, same timid nose, same blonde hair. But his skin. It was the color of snow, or paper, or sugar. He looked sick with this color. Deathbed worthy.

Suddenly remembering how he tanned his backside when he was younger, he took both hands and slapped them across his cheeks, over and over, one after the other, until his cheeks were red and throbbing and tears poured from his eyes. He stared at his reflection incredulously, not believing this tanning method wasn't working. He wasn't even the least bit brown! Just pale, ugly peach and an angry red flush.

"B-Bakura!" He found himself yelling after a minute of shocked silence. "Bakura! Bakura, get your pasty British ass in here!"

He felt faint. Maybe he should go to the hospital. Have a nice visit with a nice man in a clean white coat. He'd get a prescription for something. It was hard being a girly anime villain, after all. So maybe he was just stressed. Or crazy.

"_Bakura_!" He cried again, his voice shrieking like a girl's. He had to grab the sink to keep his balance when he felt his knees sway under him as a wave of nausea crash into his stomach.

"Marik?" The door opened and the head of a disgruntled Bakura popped inside. "What is so bloody impor…Why are you naked?"

"Is that seriously the first thing you noticed?" Marik snapped, still sane enough to get angry with his perv of a partner.

"Uhm…new hair?"

"My tan, Bakura!"

Bakura paused in the doorway for a second, looking Marik up and down before gasping. "Oh my gods, you're right!"

"Yeah no frig I'm right."

Bakura took a few steps closer, raising his hands helplessly. "Your tan is-"

"Don't say it."

Marik turned away, suddenly ashamed. Not because he was naked for all the fan girls to see and screen capture, but because he was naked without his tan. So naked that actually being naked was about twenty times less embarrassing. Which was seriously over dramatic in my opinion.

"How did this happen?" Bakura asked, coming to stand by his partner.

Marik closed his eyes and shook his head. "I don't know. I just got into the shower and it was gone."

The thief hummed. "How is that even possible?"

"I bet someone stole it!"

"Who would want to steal your tan?"

Marik thought for a second. "I bet it was the Pharaoh."

"Marik."

"Just think about it, Bakura. He's finally tired of us trying to destroy him."

"Marik."

"We've stolen his leather pants, eaten his favorite cereal, tried to pushed him off a boat, mind controlled Joey-"

"Actually, I had no part in that-"

"-and rearranged his sock drawer. He has to want revenge by now."

"Marik."

"Even though we're the ones trying to get revenge…"

"MARIK."

"Yes, Bakura?"

The albino duelist was able to suppress the urge to strangle the Egyptian. "Have you forgotten the Pharaoh has his own tan?"

"WHAT?"

"Yes, though it is stuck 5,000 years in the past. The fact remains that he has one. Why would he want yours?"

Marik stared into Bakura's serious brown eyes, and suddenly it was all too much for him. He shut his eyes, let his legs buckle, and fell face-first into Bakura's waiting arms.

.~.~.~.

Bakura couldn't believe his eyes. Out of the five thousand years he'd been alive, he'd never seen anything like this. A deep Egyptian tan, gone over night? How was that even possible?

Could it be the work of a ninja?

No, Marik's idea had been silly, but that was just stupid.

Bakura gazed down at Marik's sleeping figure, trying to think up a logical way Marik could go from being tan and sexy to pale and still pretty sexy. There was skin bleaching, of course, and a few diseases could alter skin pigmentation, but could any sickness affect poor Marik this much over night? And Bakura was positive Marik would never bleach on purpose. Besides that, he couldn't smell any bleach. What else could there be?

Bakura's eye twitched. Could he have become a vampire?

Pulling up the boy's upper lip, Bakura sighed with relief when he saw his teeth remained fang-free. It was bad enough the boy had bought that horrible vampire game, Bakura didn't want to deal with any odd eating habits.

Bakura sighed again, moving his hand up to rest on his partner's forehead. After Marik had passed out, Bakura and dried him and dressed him, laid him down on the couch and covered him with a blanket. He was severely flushed and his temperature was climbing fast. Bakura had to admit he felt sorry for him…

Deciding he could do nothing for Marik just standing around, he pushed off the couch and went into the bedroom they shared, looking for anything might give him a clue as to where the tan went. The bed was unmade, there was nothing on the floor except a few clothes and a few books, and the windows were locked from the inside and the curtains drawn. He checked under the bed, but there was nothing but a few storage totes. He went into the bathroom and started to search in the same fashion. The only thing out of place was Marik's hairbrush, which had fallen on the floor. Bakura scooped and picked it up, staring dejectedly at it. He wasn't getting anywhere. Maybe it was really ninja this time. There wasn't much else that could get into a locked room, steal a person's skin tone and leave completely unnoticed. Unless one of his friends had an idea. He went through the list of everyone he knew. Pegasus probably knew, but he really didn't feel like sitting through the Spice Girls movie to get the information. Rex and Weevil were just perverted idiots. Lumis and Umbra pissed him off. No, everyone pissed him off. Dan Green was somewhere doing Dan Green things, and Bakura didn't know how he could get into contact with the Evil Teddy Bear. Maybe Zorc had some ideas…

He went into the kitchen and dialed the monster's number, cradling the phone between his ear and shoulder. It rang five times, and Bakura was about to hang up, but then it clicked on the other's end and Zorc's voice came on the line. "H-hello?"

Bakura had been pacing, but now he stopped in his tracks. His ex's voice sounded…nervous… "Zorc?"

"Bakura?" The shaky tone was replaced by a stronger one. "What do you want?"

Bakura was so miffed by Zorc's attitude he forgot to ask if anything was wrong. "Well, it's about Marik."

"What about him?"

"Well, I'm afraid he's lost his tan."

"Finally fucked it clean off him, huh?"

Bakura snorted. "Never thought of that one."

"So why did you call? In case you didn't know, I don't really care about your girlfriend."

"He's not my girlfriend! And he's your ex-wife. One would think you'd care just a smidge for your divorcee."

"Funny how he can't be your girlfriend but he can be my ex-wife."

"Zorc," Bakura snapped his finger. "Focus."

"Right…oh what?"

"On Marik's tan."

"What about it?"

"It's gone missing."

"Oh, that's a shame."

"Indeed." Bakura resisted the urge to smack his head against the wall. "Anyway, I'm calling to see if you know of anything that could completely obliterate a tan overnight."

"Besides fucking it clean off?"

"Besides fucking it clean off."

"Hmm," Zorc hummed, and Bakura could almost hear him thinking. "There was this news story I saw a few days ago about a tan thief."

"A tan thief?"

"Yeah. So this kid was really tan and really pale and had no face and he was always being made fun of for it. He went a little crazy and developed some eating disorders down the line."

"Get to the tan thief part."

"I was, I was… So there was this really sexy Egyptian guy with a nice midriff making a movie a little while back. When this guy didn't get to be in it and had to make his own instead, he swore he would steal the tan off of all the sexy tan people that ever crossed his path again."

Bakura's heart was in his throat. He knew exactly who Zorc was talking about. "This was a news story?"

"Yeah. The guy's been stealing a lot of famous tans. He's on the FBI's most wanted list."

Bakura growled into the receiver. "Why didn't you tell me this sooner?"

"Dramatic effect."

"Does anyone know where he is?"

"All they know is that it's cold and snowy wherever he is."

Oh great. Canada. "Well, thanks Zorc."

"You're welcome. And tell Marik I hope he gets his tan back soon."

"I will. Goodbye."

"Bye bye~"

Bakura hung up the phone before Zorc's voice could haunt him. But he did not regret calling. He knew who had Marik's tan, he had a good idea as to where he was, and he knew exactly how he was going to get it back.

.~.~.~.

Zorc's hand shook as he hung up the phone. He was caked with sweat all the way to the head of his dragon penis. Lord, was it uncomfortable. He tried to take a few deep calming breaths, but his throat shook with unshed tears.

"Very good, Zorc," the cruel, yet seductive voice said from where the owner stood.

Zorc twitched. "I did what you asked. I lied to Bakura. Now let Cody go."

The dark-eyed woman held the teen up by his collar, running long black nails across his cheek and up and down his throat. "You held your part of the deal, so I guess I can't kill him…yet." The woman tossed the boy to the ground as If he were just a ragdoll. Zorc bent and scooped up his identical twin, cradling him as he glared at the cloaked woman.

"Goodbye, Zorc," she laughed dryly, slapping him on the penis before lifting her fingers to her mouth and whistling loudly. A motorcycle rolled up outside the house, the driver in dark clothes and a black motorcycle helmet. The woman jumped on and snuggled into the driver's back. They zoomed away, the distant cry of "Let's play a children's card game! Yohohoho!" ringing merrily in Zorc's ears.

Well, I finally got off my ass and did something. Too bad it's nothing important. Just a Yu-Gi-Oh So anyway, this is crack…Yay! It also has a lot of YGOTAS jokes and references, and contains weird crap. Yeah.

Warnings: Crack, yaoi, language, real life people…? OOCness, too.


	2. The Quest Begins

**Ch. 2 The Quest Begins **

Marik stared at Bakura over his yogurt. "You know where my tan is?" he cried, nearly dropping the two color swirl in his lap.

"I _might_ know where it is," Bakura corrected.

"Then what are you waiting for? Go get it!"

Bakura shook his head. "It's not that simple."

"How so? I've seen you at work. Sneak in on the bastard, kick his ass, grab my tan and make me sexy again!"

"Like I said, it's not that simple." Bakura brushed used tissues and cracker packs onto the floor and sat down beside the now-ill Marik. The Egyptian boy (could he still be considered Egyptian?) had developed a fever and a cough since his tan had been stolen. Marik claimed it was ammonia. Bakura knew it was melodrama.

"Do you remember Jack Slenderman?" Bakura asked carefully, not look straight at Marik.

The younger boy was silent for a moment, but then his pale face lit up. "You mean that creepy faceless suit wearing child eating hobo who wanted to be in my movie and who was also your college roommate who you used to pick up chicks with?"

Bakura's eyes widened as Marik took a deep breath. "Uhm…Yes. Him."

"What about him?"

"Well…He's the one who stole your tan."

"WHAT? It wasn't the Pharaoh?"

"No, Marik, it wasn't."

"Damn it." Marik crushed his empty yogurt cup angrily and tossed it at the trash can. "Why would Slenderman want my tan?"

Bakura scratched his nose. "Revenge."

"…Why is everything on this show for revenge?"

"Why is everyone a duelist?"

"Because we're cooler than ninja. Why does Slenderman want revenge?"

"Because you wouldn't let him in your movie."

Marik's jaw dropped. "I let him in my movie! I even switched wardrobes with him. My clothes smelled of pasty child-eating hobo for days!"

"But you kicked him out after he insulted your script."

"But he made his own movie."

"But he wanted to be in yours."

"We ended up not even making the movie."

Bakura smiled deviously as he remembered what they had filmed instead. "We made a different movie, remember?"

Marik cocked his head, confused, but then he, too, smiled. "I still have those cat ears."

"Wonderful."

"Okay, back to my tan!"

Bakura shook his head to clear it of thoughts of Neko Neko Marik. "Oh…Yes, of course."

Marik pulled his blanket tighter around his shoulders. "So let me get this straight. Jack Slenderman stole my tan because he wanted to be in a movie that we never even made and now he's hiding somewhere in Canada."

"That's basically the gist of it."

"Then go get it."

"Go get what?"

"My tan. Go get it."

Bakura let his head fall back and he covered his eyes with his hand. "Marik, I can't just go to Canada and steal back your tan."

"But! But you're the master thief!"

"Maybe so, but we know Slenderman. He's evil and crafty and downright creepy. We can't trust him. He probably has a bunch of henchmen to help him. And I don't even know where he is."

"Canada!"

"Brilliant deduction, Marik, but perhaps now you'd like to inform me as to what part of Canada he's in."

"Beats me."

"I'm about to." Bakura grumbled.

"What?"

"Nothing."

A minute or so ticked by as each man tried to think of where Slenderman would stay. Neither knew much about Canada, and neither does the author, except that it's really cold up there and they outlawed hentai and it's where Justin Bieber came from and their health care is free but it really sucks. But other than that, they all knew zip.

"Oh, I know what you can do, Bakura!" Marik exclaimed, scooting closer to the albino. "Gather together a squad of super awesome people and track him down!"

"Why would I do that?"

"Well, for one, it'll make for a nice plot. And two, it would make me happy." Marik smiled _that_ smile, and he could see Bakura's resolve crumble away.

"Who would I ask?"

"Well, how about the nerd herd?"

"Uhm…No."

"Not Yugi's nerd herd."

"Then whose nerd herd?"

"Well, what other Yu-Gi-Oh nerds do we know?"

Bakura stared at the blonde, confused, but then the confusion melted into horror. "No. Oh, Gods, no."

Marik pouted, scooting closer to Bakura. He looked up at the thief through his lashes, letting his shirt sleeve slip off his newly-paled shoulder. "Please Fluffy?" he whined, arching his back in the way he knew drove Bakura crazy.

Bakura flushed, looking away from the sight. It was just too sexy! "I-"

Marik rolled over and laid his head in Bakura's lap, reaching up to tickle the other man's chin. "C'mon, you wanna be able to do it, don't you?"

"What?" That got Bakura's attention.

"I'm pretty sure it's complicated to fuck with your clothes on. And I'm not letting you see me naked until I get my tan back."

Bakura growled and thought of his options. He could either go on a dangerous journey to somewhere in Canada with…ugh…that woman and her friends, or living in the same house as Marik Ishtar, who was sex on fucking legs, and not be able to have any fun with him. It was a hard choice to make, but as Marik writhed on the couch and moved his head around in Bakura's lap, the albino came to a decision.

"Fine. I'll go."

Marik jumped into his arms a half second later with a cute little squeal, and he proceeded to hug the life out of the thief. "Thank you thank you thankyouthankyouthankyooooou!"

"Yeah, yeah." Bakura patted Marik's back. "Don't thank me yet."

Once Marik was done hugging him, Bakura went to the bedroom to change. An epic expedition like this deserved a badass costume. He slipped out of his customary pants and stripped shirt, replacing them with the "magical" leather pants Marik had insisted they steal together, and a black wife beater. He shrugged on a trench coat with a high collar. He left on his ring but added some leather gloves, boots and a skull-printed bandana around his head. After a second thought, he replaced the skulls with the British flag. There we go. Get his boyfriend's tan back and serve his country. Two birds with one stone, and it wasn't even noon yet.

He left the room with a bad ass glow, now walking with a dangerously sexy swing in his step. All in all, it looked very badass. Trust me. I was there. And he did look quite badass. Ohhh mmmyyyy…

When he came back into the living room, he found Marik half asleep, curled up in his blanket with the TV remote balanced on his knee. He looked up when Bakura came in and raised his eyebrow. "Very nice. Are you going to do a wardrobe change each time you go out from now on?"

"If the situation calls for it."

Marik smiled and raised his arms. Bakura stopped and let the other boy hug him. "Good luck," he said, squeezing Bakura's shoulders.

"Yeah." He reached around the pale Egyptian and pulled him close, nuzzling into his hair. "I'll be home soon…" _Hopefully_, he added in his head.

"You better."

Bakura pulled away and pressed his forehead against Marik's, meeting the pale teen's eyes. "One thing before I go, though. I didn't fall in hate with your tan, Marik. I fell in hate with you." He moved in for a kiss, but Marik pulled away.

"Go get my tan back!" He said, pointing at the door.

"Just one kiss."

"No."

"C'mon, just one."

"Just one."

They shared a quick peck.

Bakura stood and stretched. "I'll be back in a week…Probably."

"I'll be here…maybe."

Bakura stole one more kiss before going out back and hopping on Marik's obligatory anime motorcycle, revving the engine, and riding away.

He couldn't believe what he was about to do…

**Augh. I actually made a second chapter! .0. Maybe I'll make more. **

**Yes, Bakura and Marik are dating. Oh baby. **

**Yes, they live together.**

**And Yes to any other questions you have. Because I'm too lazy to answer them. **


	3. Tobi's House

**Oohhh, how it's been so long, I'm so sorry I've been gone, I was busy doing fangirl thiiiiings~**

**X's and O's to anyone who can name the song. :3 **

**Anyway…Chapter Three of the annoying parody fanfic no one reads. **

Bakura still couldn't believe he was doing this. And it was a new chapter, too! One would think he'd come to terms with the fact that he was, indeed, in need of some help from this very eccentric girl. But no, he had to spend the entire ride over here thinking about how unbelievable it was that he was visiting this girl, at her own house, of his own free will, and how crazy it was that he was going to ask her to come to Canada with him. Though, to be fairly honest, he wasn't exactly sane to begin with. Perhaps this was one of the telltale signs that he had indeed lost his mind.

Or maybe the author just now realized she'd ended the last chapter with the same thing but was too lazy to go back and change it.

"Can we get on with this?" Bakura asked, glaring at the sky.

…I was just trying to be dramatic.

"I've quite had my fill of drama this morning. It's wasting my time, as well as the readers."

Fine. Be that way. Jerk.

"Not this again…"

Huge smelly jerk.

"Look, can we just continue with the story?"

Huge smelly drama-hating jerk.

"Seriously. Enough."

You're so out of my top five.

"I don't care…Fucking narrator."

…So anyway Bakura looked up at the house before him, fighting off a shiver as he recalled his last meeting with this girl. He wasn't one to show, or feel, or admit to fear, but he could be honest and say this woman scared the crap out of him.

She was eccentric and neurotic, OCD and worst of all a fangirl. She was the kind of girl to shout random catchphrases at equally random intervals, do the Time Warp in the middle of class and jump up and down and scream like a…well, like a fangirl when she was that Thief King Bakura was in the 2005 issue of Shonen Jump that her father had bought at the Library's book sale. That wasn't even the worst part… There was still the yaoi.

This time he couldn't control the shiver that raced up his spine. Well, he might as well get it over with.

As he walked up the wooden ramp and across the concrete porch, his sense of dread grew heavier and heavier. No, no, be strong, be a man. Florence is a man's name, Florence is a man's name, Florence is a man's name…

He raised a fist and knocked on the screen door. A dog barked somewhere inside, and after a minute a guy opened the door. He flinched back in surprise, then did that weird little face this he does every so often that really has no explanation.

"Uhm…Hi," he said, opening the door.

"Hello. Is Tobi, err, Randee home?"

The guy made the face again. "Yeah, one sec." He ducked back inside for a minute or two, and after that time, a girl opened the door for him.

"Bakura!" she cried out, flying outside to glomp him.

"Hello, Tobi," he said through gritted teeth, feeling the blood rush to his head and the oxygen rush from his lungs.

He took a respectful step back. "What's up?"

"Uhm…I need your help."

"Oh? Has Marik finished all his yaoi?"

"No, though it does have something to do with Marik."

Tobi looked around him at the empty seat of the motorcycle. "What's wrong? Where is he?"

"He's at home. He's not feeling well."

"What's wrong with him?" She smirked for a small second, and Bakura knew she had answered her own question with a witty response in her head.

"Well…His tan has been stolen."

Tobi paused for a second, staring at him uncertainly. Then she guffawed. "Oh my Godcard, I just imagined it! Hahahaahaaaa!"

"It's not a joke, it really happened!"

"…Seriously?"

"Yes, seriously."

"…Can I take a picture?"

"No, that's not why I'm here!" Bakura had forgotten how much this girl tried his patience, in a whole different way than Marik did. Marik made up for annoying him later. Tobi just annoyed him even more.

"Then why are you here?"

"To see if you would help me get it back."

Tobi leaned back against the wall of her house, crossing her arms and legs. "What's in it for me?"

"Must it always come to a bribe?"

"Absolutely."

Bakura stopped before he could say something very offensive. Tobi wasn't one to be bothered by a bully, but a few choice word from those thought of as friends could spoil her good mood for hours. And he desperately needed her help.

"What would you want?"

Tobi rubbed her chin and frowned in a very dramatic way. "Hmmm… I can't think of anything right now, so I'll help you and decide my reward later, okay?"

Bakura deflated with relief. "Thank you."

"No prob. Just let me get changed. C'mon in."

Bakura followed Tobi inside. Smells of smoke and popcorn invaded his nostrils, mixed with some old poppari and something even sweeter. They went into the living room. A woman sat on the couch absently sucking on a cigarette. She looked away from the television as the two younger humans walked passed.

"Hello." She said in a curious voice. She was used to her daughter bringing home friends by now. "Randee, who's this?"

Tobi turned to face her mother, linking their arms and smiling. "Mom, this is Bakura. Bakura, this is my mommy."

"Pleasure to meet you ma'am."

Tobi smiled wider. "See, I told you he was British. And sexy."

Tobi's mom made a face. "You better not be sexying with him."

"Mom, we've been over this. Bakura sexies with Marik, Ryou sexies with Melvin, they all sometimes sexy together, and I sexy with my computer." With that Tobi dragged Bakura out of the room, through the rest of the house and into her bedroom. It was hot, even though she had a fan on, and the walls were covered with posters and pictures printed out from a computer. Her bookcase was full of manga and Shonen Jump, and her bed was 19th century iron with seven blankets used for padding and a few skull shaped pillows. And…Did Bakura see a teddy bear? Why, yes, yes he did. He sat down on the edge of the bed and studied the aged toy with mild interest as Tobi opened her closet.

"So do you know who stole it?" she asked, pulling out a pair of jeans and throwing them to the floor.

"It was Jack Slenderman."

"Oh. Nasty fellow."

"You know him?"

Tobi looked at a shirt, scowled and put it back. "Of course I do. Why wouldn't I?"

"Just how do you know him?"

"He crashed my cousin's 6th birthday party. Ate a few of the guests. And then I'm pretty sure he moved into my basement for a few weeks."

"Oh my. I'm sorry about the kids."

"Nah, it's okay. I laughed."

Tobi ha finished picking out her outfit. There was a zip-up belly shirt with a mini tie, a half skirt on a belt, a pair of tight black jeans, a pair of scuffed up boots and a gray trench coat.

"How are we going to get the tan back?" was her next question as she pulled off her shirt.

"You're changing here?" Bakura demanded, turning away.

"Oh, c'mon, Fluffy. I'm wearing a bra. And besides, it's not like I could ever compare to Marik."

Bakura still wasn't all that comfortable watching Tobi change, so he watched his feet instead as he retold everything he'd learned from Zorc, and how he planned to go about rescuing Marik's tan.

"We should call Brevyn." Tobi said, a gleam in her eyes as she tied a ribbon around her neck.

"Yes, she would come in handy." Bakura agreed, taking out his cell phone. Tobi told him the number and he dialed up the other girl.

"Hello?" she picked up on the third ring.

Tobi snatched the phone away before he could speak. "Hiiiiiii Brevyn~! She sang.

"Hey Tobi. Why are you calling from Bakura's cell phone?"

"Well…Because we want to invite you on an adventure."

**Kay guys. Just filler. So sorry. :p **

**I might owe you a few explanations. I…am Tobi. My real name is Randee, but I prefer Tobi far better. For fangirl reasons and all that. Brevyn is my best friend. A few of my other friend will be making appearances too, so if you don't like that…Sorry. :\ My fanfic, my rules. And yes, I do have a teddy bear, and yes, I do sometimes change in front of my guy friends. ("Everything that just came out of your mouth disappeared as soon as you walked in here without a shirt.") I don't know why Bakura and I know each other…But I'll work that out later. :3 **

**And if you have any questions, ASK. I will answer!**

**Okay…bye bye now. **


	4. The Evil Plant Child

Ch. 4 The Evil Plant Child...

(So my Microsoft Word is being a bitch. :p I'm having to type this on Google Docs. FUUUUUUUUCCCKKK.)

~~~

Bakura seriously didn't know what he was doing anymore. He'd willingly invited two of...them to go on this quest with him. Two fangirls... Two yaoi fangirls. Bloody hell.

He looked over at Tobi, who also had an obligatory anime motorcycle...Somehow. She insisted on calling it Thunder Tires III, in memory of her favorite bicycle. Which, as she told Bakura, had had an unfortunate rusting accident. Plus she'd ridden through so many allies the tires had gone flat from all the stickers and broken glass.

It had taken forever to get her mother to say yes to letting her go. She had to promise to be back in a week, Bakura had to pay for all her expenses, and if Brevyn couldn't go, she had to come home right away.

"Just one more thing," she said before they went out the door. She grabbed a thick black book with gold trim pages and held it out to Tobi. "Swear you're not sexying with him."

"Mom!"

"Do it."

Bakura could hear Tobi mumbling as she hesitantly placed her hand on the Bible. He definitely wasn't "sexying" with her, whatever that meant, but for some reason he expected her to burst into flames when he touched it.

Satisfied, her mother drew her into a hug. "Bye, Pumpkin," she said with a sniff.

"Bye bye Mommy!" Tobi mocked, pulling away to make an exaggerated crying face.

Her mom poked her in the stomach, then looked down as if just seeing the expansion of skin for the first time. "Go change your shirt! You look like a hooker."

Tobi looked down at her midriff, which looked way better in this story than it would in real life, especially in this outfit. "I look badass!" She made a sad face. He mom gave her the mom look. Tobi sighed and zipped up her coat until only the top of her shirt was showing. "Better?"

"I'd still rather have you put on a longer shirt."

"Mom! May I remind you there are lives at stake? There's no time for concealing shirts!"

"You said it was just some pretty boy's tan."

"if we don't get Marik's tan back, he'll probably die!"

Bakura twitched.

"Well then...Good luck. And don't die yourself."

Tobi laughed and they said their good byes, and then they were outside, Tobi closing the door. She turned to Bakura and smiled, unzipping her coat again.

"You don't conform to any of your mother's standards, do you?"

Tobi laughed. "Nope! I make it my hobby to stand out."

Bakura looked at her rainbow bangs. "So I see."

They got to the motorcycle and Tobi hummed. "How are three people going to sit on one motorcycle?"

Bakura hadn't thought about that.

"Oh! I know! I'll go get Thunder Tires III!"

"Thunder...Tires...III?"

Too late, Tobi was already running off towards the garage.

A few seconds later and a motorcycle peeled out of the driveway, swung into the street and then back up beside Bakura.

"Nice," he nodded, looking the Harley up and down.

"Yup, let's go!"

Bakura jumped onto his own bike and they raced into the street, which lead them to where they were now, Bakura having needless and distracting flashbacks and Tobi mumbling about having nowhere to put her deck.

Suddenly Bakura's phone rang.

"That's not safe," Tobi commented as he answered.

Bakura rolled his eyes. "Hello?"

"Hey, Bakura~"

"Marik?"

"What, you don't recognize my voice? You're such a jerk, Bakura!" Marik screamed in his nasal voice. "Anyway, I was wondering, could you get me some Kedahs while you're out?"

He wasn't serious. "Marik...I'm kind of busy...You know...Saving your tan?"

"Oh, I know, but I'm really hungry and I am so in the mood for Kedahs! And the guy always hangs up when I call!"

"Maybe because your father threatened them with his pet snake?"

"No! They just don't want me to enjoy the tasty Kedahs! They want to keep them all to themselves!"

"So what do you want me to do about it?"

"I want you to get me some Kedahs, DUH. Has the fluff on your head finally choked your brain?"

Bakura hung up on him.

No one. Insulted. The fluff.

He was pushing the phone back in his pocket when it rang again. Knowing it was Marik, he was about to turn it off, but then he remembered something he'd seen on TV that he'd always wanted to try.

"Hello?" He greeted sweetly.

"Did you just hang up on me?" Marik screamed.

"I don't know, did it sound something like this?" He hung up again, switching it to silent.

"Little harsh."

Bakura scowled and put the phone back in his pocket. "He'll thank me later when he has his tan back."

"He'll also be reminded of this randomly as you two are in the middle of hot wet sloppy steamy sexy man sex and bitch your ear off so you don't reach climax and go totally limp."

Bakura looked over at her, horrified, about to retort, before something much more urgent struck him. "How the hell are we even having this conversation now?" he called, suddenly remembering the wind ripping at his hair and clothes, the purr of their engines and the houses racing past them.

"Look, we're fanfiction characters now. We don't need to obey logic!"

Somehow, that made sense.

"So anyway, remind me as to where Brevyn lives."

Tobi clicked her tongue. "Uhm...A few states away."

"STATES?"

Tobi shrugged. "Yeah. I thought you knew."

"Apparently not."

Tobi shook her head and pulled out in front of him. "Just follow me," she said, her tone exasperated. Bakura glared at her back, not liking being told what to do, but his attention was stolen by a giant blue disk forming in the middle of the street but a few yards in front of them. He started to swerve to avoid it, but then he saw Tobi ride right into it. There was a bright flash of light, and then she was gone. He stared at the gaping hole in the disk, then figured it was some sort of portal. He switched back into the right lane and sped through.

Immediately he was blinded with bright blue light and surrounded by horrible pressure. It was like riding through gelatin! He didn't see Tobi anywhere ahead. That made him worry a little bit (not for the girl, but what would become of him if he had speculated wrong) but the feeling ceased when he saw a much brighter light at the end of the tunnel. He eyed it warily, but revved and sped through, hoping he wouldn't be met by men in dresses and wings when he came out the other end.

He was slapped in the face by a wall of fresh air and slammed on the brakes, leaving a beautiful skid mark five feet long behind him. He looked back to admire it in time to see the portal, this one orange, close up. Then he looked at his surroundings, searching for Tobi, and finally found her making her way up a long sidewalk.

"Tobi!" He called, getting off his motorcycle. He ran to catch up. The sidewalk he'd seen was actually just a lot of steps up to the porch. They looked to be made of large rocks and concrete, but as he stepped on the first one, one of those rocks slipped out from under his foot and he was hardly able to catch himself.

"Yeah, watch out for that one. Got me the first time too." Tobi came down and helped him up.

Bakura scowled at the step, following Tobi up to the porch. She rang the doorbell and a bunch of dogs started barking (did everyone in this fanfiction have dogs?). Someone inside yelled at him, and then a girl with short light brown hair and glasses opened up.

"Tobi!" She screamed in a high-pitched, airy voice, throwing her arms around the other girl.

"Brevyn!" Tobi cried back in her own version of the voice, hugging the girl back and nuzzling her chest.

They talked excitedly for a few minutes before Bakura cleared his voice.

Brevyn looked up at him. "Hello to you too."

At least she didn't glomp him.

Tobi poked her arm. "Ready to go?"

Brevyn nodded, grabbing a small backpack from inside. Her outfit, like Tobi and Bakura's, was also pretty badass, having a long white scarf with tattered ends, a long, sleeveless purple coat that also ended in holes and tears, a red tank top and green pants, and black shoes with pink flamingos all over them.

Tobi and Bakura spent the walk back to the street explaining the situation to her while she listened and nodded, taking everything in and throwing in her own thoughts every so often. Once in a while she and Tobi made a crude joke and Bakura had to look away and groan, having been the subject of said joke. When they got to the street Brevyn informed them that she was the only one without a motorcycle, and Tobi offered her a place on hers. She looked from her friend to Bakura, then back to Tobi, and climbed on.

"I feel dumb," she said, wrapping her arms around Tobi's waist.

"Aww, me sorry," Tobi cooed, unable to think of a real apology.

Brevyn "pfft"d and then they were off, riding dramatically into the sunset.

**Worst. Chapter. Ever. D : **


End file.
